In March and April of this year (2023), things got bad. Life felt unrelenting, work was stressing me out, and I could feel myself bogging down on the Wild Weasels. And the AK FJ43. Every time I’d fire up a build and intend to just kinda plow through it, I’d fall into some kind of hole and lose steam.
Turns out while I was feeling overwhelmed and burned out, there was another, deeper explanation – moderate to severe depression! Got diagnosed, got put on SSRIs, and have been dialing in doses with my doctor since then.
And things have gotten…better. Some days, it feels like getting new shocks on your car. You still feel the bumps, but they aren’t going to break your teeth. Other days, it feels like someone’s turned down the gain on a radio so that there’s a lot less static. I don’t get as overwhelmed, and when I do, I’m able to know it’s happening. Hard to explain.
Early in this depression journey, I boxed up everything I’d been working on. Needed a reset. And when I felt like I was starting to get a bit of traction again, I picked up Kotare’s Spitfire as a simple build to pass the time while the drugs kicked in. Great engineering, a simple kit, and a subject I don’t care about – seemed a good mix for a build low in fucks.
And…I finished it!
After finishing the Spit in early July, I was gone on vacation for a week and then immediately laid out by covid for another week. Between all the interruptions, and the heat, and the excitement of Nats, the bench hasn’t been super active lately.
But I’m starting to spin up projects again, and I’m thinking I was maybe chasing the wrong thing for the past, oh, years.
The Low Fucks Mojo Booster Supreme
Here’s the thing. I keep falling into this thing, particularly after finishing a massive project like the 1/32 FG-1D or 1/32 A-6E Intruder, of wanting something I can blow through quickly. If you go back and look at the number of times I’ve intended to tackle a build as a “speed run” or similar…it’s high.
I’ve been looking for things I could build without running out of fucks. But I didn’t realize I was already running out of fucks anyway. Because depression.
And that disconnect between wanting a low fuck experience and getting something that didn’t match up led to dissatisfaction and a desire to just get to the end…
Or it led me to abandon projects a certain distance through.
Looking back now that the drugs have kicked in, the fault in my reasoning is obvious. Conservation of fucks didn’t really matter, because it wasn’t the builds that was draining them. It was everything.
Now that I’ve patched the hole in my bucket of fucks (or at least recognize there is a potential for leakage), I’m contemplating a different path.
From Fewer Fucks to More Fucks
My favorite builds have never been the easiest, least rocky, fastest ones. They’ve been the FG-1D Corsair and the A-6E Intruder and the Trumpeter P-47 Razorback. The Me 262 with the collapsed gear strut that everyone kept asking about at Nats. They’ve taken time and sweat and effort. They haven’t been painless.
So why do I keep chasing painless?
I don’t know. I really don’t. But I’m not doing it anymore.
Instead, I’m planning to lean into the suck and into the effort. Especially once the weather cools off. And do I have some plans. That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly just building Kittyhawk kits. But it does mean leaning into some more ambitious builds, some more involved detailing, you get the idea.
Dog Days Holdover
Right now it’s still 107 every day. And it’s still in the mid-90s when I get out to the bench at night. So right before Nats I started on an Eduard 1/48 F4F-4 Wildcat. It’s a small-but-involved project I’m hoping to wrap up by mid-September. We’ll see. I wanted to get it done in August, but fucking up the instrument panel and having to wait for some aftermarket stole several days.
I’ve got another project running that I’ll hopefully reveal before too much longer. It’s a LOT of painting work, but it’s one of those where I’ve been sitting on a reference photo forever and it’s time to put it to use.
Either way though, both of them are builds of modest size. Because it’s still hot and because the spiders are highly active this time of year. Small builds I can just bring inside or put in a drawer. I’m still traumatized by the 1/32 HK B-25 and the time spiders set up shop in its bomb bay. That was a lot of nope.
More Naked Builds
Another thing I’m doing is embracing more naked build reviews (the kits, not me, get your mind out of the gutter). I really enjoy doing them, I figure they can keep my construction skills on point, and they’ll let me play with the hottest, newest kits without feeling like I need to rush through the one I’ve got on the bench.
I just picked up my next two from LionHeart Hobby this afternoon.
Stay tuned.